Dragon Quest V: Hand of the Heavenly Bride hits iOS and Android at the stroke of midnight on January 22 (that’s the “Stroke of midnight, EST” – having to get specific drains the mysticism and fantasy out of the words, doesn’t it?).

Price-wise, it should clock in at $14.99 USD. Not a cheap buy for a mobile game, but certainly worth it. A used Nintendo DS copy of the title probably won’t run you any cheaper, nor will it offer you the convenience of downloading the game and starting your quest while sitting on the john.

You should also download Dragon Quest V because it’s an epic. I know that’s a word that gets thrown around a lot, but consider the game’s premise: Hero adventures beside his father as a child. Child grows into young man. Young man gets married to a mate of his choice (the correct answer is Bianca). Children grow up and fight alongside father. That’s pretty epic.

Also, your wife and your pet sabrecat can fight with you, too. Dragon Quest V is essentially a family outing, but with a larger body count (my family gatherings tended to have a disappointingly small body count. Your experience might’ve been different).

A word about the sabrecat: It begins life as a sabrekitten. A tiny assassin of Hell that forgot to put its tongue back in after grooming itself:


It automatically joins your party early in the game. Now that is the way to start an epic. See why the word is deserved?

If you don’t want to fight monsters with your wife and your brats, you can recruit certain monsters to do the deed for you. And you all get to travel in a covered wagon that surely rattles with the raucous ramblings of your rabble.

See, Square-Enix? You’re not the only one that who abuse alliteration.