When you write for the web, 25% of your time is spent penning articles and the other 75% is spent looking for high-resolution images with which to pretty up your words.

As a result, Google’s image search and I see a lot of each other during the day. We’d probably kindle an affair if Google had a persona.

Wait, let me look up “Google persona.”

…Yeah, I thought so.

Anyway, Google is a presumptuous bastard of a search engine who fills in suggestions as you type words. Looking for “Apple?” Well, obviously you’re looking for “apple pie.” Or “Apple phones.” Or “Apple cider vinegar,” which does shit for clearing up acne, by the way. Trust me,  I know.

So for some article or another (I’m writing on USGamer a lot these days!), I needed to search for “Nintendo characters.” Google immediately offered “Nintendo characters smoking weed.”

I said to myself, “Well. Why the hell not.” I intimated the suggested search, and Google delivered what it promised.

“I was gonna be on Cartoon All-Stars to the Rescue … but then I got high…”~~

Suddenly overcome by curiosity and self-loathing, I wondered how Google would fill in a search for “Mario and Peach.”

The results are kind of adorable and horrifying, more or less what you’d expect when dealing with anything related to Princess Peach — a character who kindled puberty in many ’80s children, and I expect is still prompting “funny pants feelings” in pre-teens today.

Most of these are pretty innocent. “Mario and Peach wedding” — aw, that’s kind of sweet. “Mario and Peach kids.” Well, Super Mario Galaxy hints strongly that Rosalina is an alternate-dimension daughter of Peach and Mario (or Luigi), though I imagine Shigeru Miyamoto officially rubberstamped that suggestion with a big red “ABSOLUTELY NOT!!!” ages ago. Still, wondering about Mario and Peach’s progeny is harmless enough.

Things get weird with the Google search pretty quickly, though. For instance, “Mario and Peach and Luigi and Daisy kissing” comes before the far simpler “Mario and Peach kissing.”

I choose to look at this positively. Kudos to today’s children for quickly figuring out that having the Internet means not having to settle. Who needs chaste monogamy when you can have a foursome? Though I expect Luigi would cry violently through most of the orgy.

Let’s get down to my favourite search string, though: “Mario and Peach doing it.”

Five simple words typed by millions of curious children with trembling fingers, undoubtedly while throwing nervous glances over their shoulders and scanning for parents or teachers. These are kids who are old enough to be curious about sex, but still regard the word “sex” as a swear word (thank you puritanical attitudes towards The Act).

It’s kind of cute how youngsters inadvertently look to their favourite fantasy characters to teach them the Basics of Life.

Which makes me wonder: What happens if I Google “Super Mario sex ed?”

Right. Well…

Goodnight everybody.